On the pain and pleasure of creating

So I had this conversation with the Dutch about the picture I was/am working on, and I was saying how I'd already spent like 20 hours on it, and I still didn't have the map the way I wanted it to be. Being a programmer (or whatever it is he does, exactly), he suggested I could find a map I liked and just steal it for my own purposes. "I do it all the time," he said, "Because I don't want to be reinventing the wheel again!" It actually took me a moment to splutter at the sheer unthinkable-ness of the suggestion. Quite aside from the fact that "borrowing" things for your art is plagiarising (i.e. Very Naughty), the thought, as they say, hadn't even speculated the merest possibility of entering my mind.

[And here's the mandatory apology bit:
I'm sorry. I like to talk about my theories or thoughts or whatever, and it seems I actually don't have anyone to really talk with anymore. That's one of the things I miss about having a boyfriend (or even any person to chat with on a regular basis who's even remotely on the same frequency as I am). So I figure I need to spew all this introspective out in some form, lest my head explode in a really ugly and gruesome manner. Anyway. The following part goes into the 'preaching about stuff no one really cares about' bin.]

I might groan about the 30 hours of work I put into this or that painting, but I'm not complaining. Those 30 hours are a measure of obsession and a sign of my dedication. Even when I'm grumbling and pouting about a particular detail which just refuses to come out right, I really mean it in the most loving possible way - because that's precisely what I do. I love every moment of it, right down to the point at 6 AM when I realise I've been hunched up at the computer for 12 hours straight without remembering to eat or pee and little gnomes of agony are pounding the inside of my frontal lobe with ice picks and sledgehammers.

And there you have it. I don't want an easy solution or a quick fix (and how like a man to try to fix a problem with a straightforward answer.*). Whether it's a piece of "real" art, or something I have to complete for school purposes, no matter how much sweat, blood and tears I need to pour into the work, I'm so damn happy to be capable of creating something I'm actually proud of.

As I was pondering this, I suddenly really comprehended the cliché about how the works of art are the babies of the artists who create them:

Whenever I finish a piece I've actually put a lot of time and effort in, I'm head over my heels in love with it. And I mean that in the least narcissist possible way. Really. "Can they not see how perfectly I captured the light and reflections? How carefully crafted little details make a composed whole which just works so damn well?" I wonder, and adjust my pink shades. "Don't they just adore his lovely little toesy-woesies? Surely this is the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world!"**

So, this is why the idea of consciously borrowing or copying from someone to make art, as opposed to making it myself, is completely unthinkable. Good night.

* "So stop bitching about it, bitch!" – I know. Let it not be claimed I don't understand the Other Team.

** With the exception that proud parents take far longer to come to terms with reality and admit that the creation is really rather mediocre and quite ordinary. But that's a whole different story.