Social defect

Facing the people from the studio was, in the end, not as traumatic as I played it out in my mind. Everyone's been nice to me as usual, at least to the extend that I can understand (hey, they still talk about me in Korean, but that's just business as usual). Still, whether or not it's related to the previous events – and as far as I can navigate through the inner recesses of my brain, it isn't – I'm still anxious and stressed for no apparent reason when I have to go to the studio or meet them outside of the class environment.

There was supposed to be a party for the freshmen art students today, and one of my studio-mates asked me to join. As I was trying to get myself to go, I went through all kinds of stages of emotional distress, and I don't know why. I wouldn't have gone, except that I feel that if I don't make the effort to be friends with them, why should they? Oh, and for the fact that I hate – hate – any irrational fear I encounter and my way of dealing with those is by facing them. So, eventually (15 minutes late), I made my way to the location, and was relieved to find it empty. Instead of trying to call any of the few people I have contact details for, I came back home. At least I made the effort, right?

There still remains the possibility of joining the exchange students' welcome party tonight, but to be honest, I'm not all that interested in meeting all those new people. Being social is hard work.